By Sandi Amorello

When her husband has just died, or is in the process of dying, please do not talk to the widow (or soon to be widow) and compare the death (or imminent death) of her spouse to the death of your mother, father, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, friend, dog or goldfish.

In my lifetime, beginning at the age of 9, I have suffered a string of losses. I lost my grandmother, my closest cousin, my best friend, my grandfather, my father, my other grandfather, my grandmother, my future father-in-law and assorted other relatives and acquaintances. I have also suffered through the deaths of an inordinate number of family pets.

And I am here to tell you, it is not the same.

Every death is a loss. Every death causes sadness and grief in different people to different degrees. But, the death of a spouse is much different…for one basic reason. When you lose your spouse, you lose your future. You lose the person who was supposed to spend the rest of your life with you. You lose the person who was supposed to share in raising your children and be there for you when your mother or father or grandmother or best friend dies.

When Drew died, I lost my future. I lost “our future.” We went from a family of five to a family or four when he took that last breath. Suddenly…the future loomed dark and empty…with all of the meaning removed.

I had lost my lover, best friend, parenting partner…but most of all, my tomorrow.

_____________________

Example A.

Christmas 2003 (the girl scout mom)

After hearing my response to her sensitively phrased inquiry as to how things were going this holiday season…

“Oh, come on, you can’t tell me this year isn’t better than last year!”

Oh, that’s right…last year my husband was actually DYING at Christmas. This year, he’s just DEAD. What was I thinking, telling you things were difficult.

Example B.

Sometime in 2004

“You’re lucky to not have to deal with an ex-husband.
I wish my husband were just dead.”

Okay…I don’t think I need to even comment on that.

Example C.

August 2002 (the local Episcopalian minister)

*Note: This was actually said to Drew, in reference to me. Right after we found out about his recurrence. Please take into consideration the fact that Drew was still: a) very much alive and looking quite wonderful, and b) very much not planning on being dead anytime soon.

“So, do you think she is going to be okay after you’re gone?”

I had left the room to go upstairs and check on the children when I overheard this question from the man of God, as he sat in my living room, looking quite healthy and happy. I ended up in my bedroom, in tears. I never did make it down to say goodbye to him.

I hope he is reading this, and that he is never diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. And that he has found a profession better suited to his level of sensitivity.

Example D.

November 2004 (the match.what date in the plaid flannel shirt)

“So, does your husband have your kids on the weekends?

Now…let’s see. You called me about 13 times in an irritatingly aggressive effort to get a dinner date with me…and now you seem to have forgotten that I am widowed… not divorced. Did you even really READ my profile?? I would say you are not getting a goodnight kiss. Not that you would have gotten one anyway. In fact…I think I will just flirt with our cute waiter for the rest of this date… and then let you pay the bill. Check Please!!

© 2007 Sandi Amorello/Silver Crayon Studios, Inc. All rights reserved.
The Irreverent Widow, Silver Crayon Studios and the SC Studios mark are all trademarks of Silver Crayon Studios, Inc.