The Irreverent Widow

Sandi's Show & Tell

...so much more than a blog.

  • Get blog updates
    in your email!

Post on: June 7th, 2010

The “Date-Us-Hate-Us.”

"Kiss me baby?" I think not!

A few months ago,  I realized how much of my life force was being sucked out of me by dating the wrong men.  And, sometimes, dating the SAME wrong men more than once!  Shocking, I know, in light of my “Wash, Rinse, Repeat” dating story… but yes, dear reader, even I make errors in judgment.  This realization led me to go on a “Dating Hiatus”….something I’ve done before, but have never really done wholeheartedly…and for the right reasons. Before, I’d say something like, “I should really stop dating and concentrate on my work and my children.”  Of course, after 3 weeks of no dinners out (and, even more distressing, no kissing and/or sex)…I would always cave.   Probably because I didn’t REALLY mean it when I said I should stop dating. In reality, I still had my heart set on finding the right man. Finding someone to fill the void left when I lost Drew. I still felt that the rest of my life wouldn’t make sense without that puzzle piece being replaced.

This time, it’s different. I am in month three of my Dating Hiatus (affectionately known amongst family and friends as my “date-us-hate-us”).   A term coined by my 11 year old son (do not attempt to steal it as I already have my I.P. attorney drawing up the legal paperwork to make it mine!).  I don’t think he meant it to be spelled out that way, he just mispronounced it. But  as it spewed forth from his mouth, it seemed like some message from the Universe. And oddly appropros when I wrote it out phonetically the first time.

A Dating Hiatus can be an absolutely liberating and wonderful thing sometimes.  It is a palette cleanser of sorts.  Mine is supposed to last for 6 months. Ending on my  birthday. In October. Now, admittedly, that is one LONG hiatus.  But so far, the whole mindful “emotional detachment” thing is working quite well for me.  I am HAPPY.  Really happy.  I am centered and balanced and enjoying life in every way possible. And, as one would expect, now that I am on an “official” Dating Hiatus…men are appearing out of nowhere to sweep me off of my feet.

But I am not caving. Although, admittedly, I may not hold out till October.  That’s pushing it, even for a woman as stubborn (I mean strong-willed) as me.   And that’s the great thing about a self-imposed hiatus…you get to call it off whenever you feel like it.  Hell, I am just excited to have made it to month three!


This post is dedicated to all of the men who don’t really believe me about the hiatus thing.  (I’d insert a smiley face…but I despise those little yellow emoticons).

Tags:
Posted in Dating, Everything, Love, Men, Sex | 4 Comments »

Share and Enjoy:

  • http://www.hallme.com/blog/author/amanda/ amanda_pants

    A few years ago, I made a bet with a friend to not date anyone for a WHOLE summer. That was a dumb idea but as you said it did wonders for clearing out my head and figuring out what I wanted. At the end of the summer I met Adam. We started officially dating in October and now we are married and very, very happy. I'm not sure I would have met Adam if I wasn't on my dating 'break' and if I did meet him I am not sure I would have been smart enough to realize THIS MAN was what I needed. Cheers to your “date-us-hate-us” I hope good things keep coming from this and thanks as always for sharing your journey!

  • http://www.opheliaswebb.com Elisa Doucette

    I definitely have rocked a Date-Us-Hate-Us lifestyle for a bit longer than recommended. I continued thinking that it was something with the guys around me, something that was making me unapproachable/dateable and thus in this dating drought. Over the past 18 months, however, for about a bajillion reasons far too in-depth to scrape into here, I realized that the Hate-Us was imposed by me.

    I then continued on the Hate-Us but instead decided to work on being happy with ME (similar to you I did the “I should focus on work/career/chocolate cupcakes/etc”) Once that piece fell into place within me the guys started coming OUT OF THE WOODWORK! Where the hell had they been before this?!

    I love that you are Hate-Us-ing (have the IP guy look into the full grammatical spectrum!) with that kind of mindset cause it reinforces my prior findings. Good luck and keep on enjoying the woodwork-dweller love!

  • Brian

    I find this dating hiatus concept very interesting as a middle aged guy (assuming I live to 100 – - you do the math), new to the dating thing after many years. Well, not new, new . . . I have been on dates before . . . lots of them . . . with many women, and even more with the same woman . . . hmmmm, it occurs to me as I write this that maybe there were not enough of them (both dates with the same woman and dates with other women) before I got married; otherwise maybe I wouldn’t be getting unmarried?

    I am currently separated . . . yikes, I know . . . a gigantic “Danger, Will Robinson, danger!” warning signal for many single women – especially those in, or coming out of, self imposed dating hiatuses (or is it hiati?) but, better to be honest about one’s status from the get go. Trust me (and my ex); while our decoupling may have been too long in coming, it is the very best thing for each of us. Not enough sustainable chemistry for either of us – - lots of periodic fizz, but, alas no fusion. So, no apprehension. No second thoughts. No bitterness. No worries.

    My point in this preamble (or better put – - pre-ramble) is that I am not at all sure I have the relevant experience/perspective to even comment . . .umm. . . unless you count years of marriage as a verrrrrry long dating hiatus????? But, I am intrigued enough to plunge forward with an observation/opinion formed after years of both relationship oriented and self analysis (some assisted – - no not chemically, and some truly self-directed).

    There is such a thing as chemistry in relationships (I know, I experienced it once, but both of us were unable to follow it through). You may not have found the right mix of chemicals for that special reaction . . . or maybe you experienced the reaction, but your lab partner didn’t show up for class that day. I liken that chemistry to sort of like a good vintage cocktail you get at a really good bar made by a really good, experienced bartender. It tastes absolutely yummy – - like nothing you’ve ever tasted before – - just the right combination of many ingredients each complementing the other, and none so overpowering that they hide the others . . . and after one drink, it’s like nothing you’ve ever experienced before – - slightly, but ever so delightfully intoxicating where each drink simply serves to sustain the good feelings – - not get you falling down embarrassingly drunk. You want more.

    But, when you try and make it yourself, it falls short . . . maybe ‘cause you’re not sure what all the ingredients were that made it up . . . (if you can even find them anywhere) . . . or maybe you have all the ingredients but maybe the quantities were off . . . but since you’ve tasted it once (or twice) . . . you know it can be made . . . so you keep trying . . . till you get it. And with each mix you get closer (cause if you’re smart, you’ll write down the previous attempts so as not to repeat them). It may take a lot of trial (and some error), but with no risk no reward. And, you may even have fun trying – - who doesn’t have fun making and trying cocktails? In moderation, and always responsibly, of course.

    Anyway, my point in all this mixed metaphor-ism is that without trying a bunch of combinations, how does one get to the right combination? And, to bring this all home to my admittedly inexperienced observation is that I fail to see how not dating, leads to the right dating?

    I do believe that being at ease with one self, being comfortable in one’s own skin, confident in who you are, knowing what you want from life (and form a partner), what one is capable of giving/sharing to a partner is critical for that chemistry (and the right dating) to occur . . . for the true ingredients to mix, react, and hopefully fuse. The ability and the aura of being able to enjoy one’s own company (but certainly not to the exclusion of enjoying others), is what makes people attractive to others. If one is truly all those things, it should shine through whether or not one is in a dating mode. So, it is most likely you, and what I feel pretty safe in assuming is your aura or self confidence, and that is attracting all the attention and which may have men coming out of the wood work, not the fact (or act) of not being datable. Or, maybe there are just more men out there now.

    One more observation: without your dating adventures/miscues, what else would your dear readers have of interest to read about?

  • Poetrycherie

    I do like your metaphor-ism’s my one addition would be this “One’s taste does change over time so trying New variations isn’t a bad thing”.